I believe in reincarnation, just all in one lifetime. Over the decades I have become and then undone again and again. So I should have seen it coming. The day when I would outgrow my old skin.
At 40 I decided I wanted to be a writer when I grew up. I learned, I wrote, I read, I attended conferences and workshops and even went back to college. Little by little I found my voice and published many essays, short stories, articles, blogs and website content. My book, Mothering Mother, A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir took me to the studios of CNN, NBC, The National Parkinson’s Foundation , care facilities, bookstores, book clubs, colleges took me around the country. It’s not book sales that made me most proud but the lives that my words touched. That I could share my story and that others could feel not so alone.
But it was full circle time and my heart was yearning for something different. I saw in myself as a caregiver and in so many others far more than burnout. I experienced and witnessed a bankruptcy of spirit, soul, physical and mental and emotional health, as well as a devastating toll on many people’s finances and careers and sadly, relationships who were in the midst or coming out of caregiving. That’s when I realized the toll of giving ourselves to others and many times giving too much of ourselves to others.
I wanted to back it up 30 years. For myself and for every adult daughter, spouse, family member and friend, nurse and doctor, I wanted to scream from every podium, “We’ve got to take care of ourselves people! And it’s got to start now! And it’s got to start with our attitudes of how we see ourselves and it’s got to start with our health and our wellness today! Not 30 years from now. But today. How we care for ourselves today is a direct correlation to how we will live 30 years from now! So wake up and get up and start living, moving, eating, thinking and speaking and being with intention!”
I turned 50 and and I swear I heard a gong somewhere. Somewhere deep. The old sick and tired is how I felt about every aspect of my life..Sick when I looked at photographs of myself. Tired of looking in the mirror and not recognizing myself. Sick when the doctor told me I was 50 lbs overweight for my height and was considered obese. Tired of not recognizing the girl in the mirror. And heartbroken. What happened to me????
My insides didn’t match my outside. I hid behind baggy clothing. I shopped in stores where I didn’t even like the clothing.
Where was the confident playful sassy badass bougie gal I thought I’d get be?When does she get to come out and play?
I knew that if I kept going 50 would go to 60 would go to 75 lb and that at some point I would break through that inevitable pharmaceutical wall and join the millions of Americans who have type 2 diabetes, need to take high blood pressure, high cholesterol meds, sleep meds depression meds anxiety meds…the meds the meds the meds!
I don’t know what came over me except to call it a compulsion.Or in my case, a reincarnation.
I found myself tugging on a gym door. In all my years I had never set foot in a gym. I had done my fair share of Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, walked around more blocks than I could ever count, did some step classes back in the day, threw in a few jazzercise classes for fun but it was on the typical six or eight week diet cycle where I lost a few pounds only to gain them right back.
But that day I stood at that desk it’s different. I didn’t know why I was ready but I was ready. Scared shitless–is it really possible to undo a lifetime of buying into an American diet and way of life? Is it really possible to make true and lasting change? Was I going to just let myself down yet another time?
Scared shitless, I knew it was time. Time to open that damn door and take that first step.
Many thanks to you, Carol! You inspire us all! I am on my own journey to transform my life and will keep readers up to date on my progress. We’re all looking forward to your second post next week in this three part series!
