Many of my readers have been following this blog since it first began in 2012. You have been through my life changes with me and, even if we have never met face to face, we have become friends. As I refashion the format for The Permanent Tourist I am thinking of more ways to inspire readers to really live their lives.
As many of you know, I lost my husband in 2018. “Mr. T”, as he was fondly referred to in my posts, lost a five year battle with melanoma and congestive heart failure. I cared for him as best I could until the last breath he took. As I sat, holding his hand, in disbelief and total exhaustion, I watched his body as the life energy left. It didn’t seem real at the time. I felt a part of me go with him. This was supposed to have been my forever love and we only had nine years together. To say my heart was broken would be an understatement.
I suffered from a real symptom for months, “widow brain”. It happens to both men and women when they lose a beloved spouse. You feel like you’re in a fog. Thoughts are scrambled, energy is non-existent and nothing makes sense, or matters. I felt lost….and incredibly lonely. It was an emotional roller coaster that went on for months. I saw no hope and no end in sight.
My beloved husband confided in close friends shortly before he passed. He knew my role as caregiver replaced that of wife as his illness became terminal, he was acutely aware of the stress I was under. He expressed his concern about my well being and what would happen to me without him. He made it clear to them that he wanted me to live again and, amazingly, to find love again. When they told me of the conversation they had with him I just shook my head feeling no one could ever replace him…never.
A year passed and I began to want to meet people and get out in the world for the first time in months. A friend suggested that “on-line” was the new normal in the dating world. The very word “dating” made me cringe. I couldn’t even imagine trying to meet men and put myself out there again.
I looked into several “seniors” dating sites and explored the possibilities. It’s a scary world out there when you sign up for one of these services. I tried one and felt so vulnerable. It made me back off and drop the whole idea. Then I heard about a site that was rated highest of them all and decided I had nothing to lose.
I had coffee with several guys. I shared a bottle of wine with another at my favorite local restaurant and we ended up ordering dinner. But there was no spark. The magic just was not there. I began to wonder, after almost a dozen of these encounters, if magic was even possible in my life again.
On a rainy Sunday, a day before I planned to cancel my membership on the site, I received a lovely message from a gentleman who actually lived nearby me. I hesitantly replied and a conversation began. He asked if we could meet that afternoon and I came up with all sorts of excuses as to why that would not work. I had blocks of ice where my feet should have been. The conversation ended but it gnawed at me that he sounded like a really nice guy. And he fit my criteria of being widowed as well. Somehow it was important to me since I knew a man who had loved a woman and lost her would understand what I was going through. More than anything I was looking for a friend to have dinner with once in a while and to talk to.
I waited for about half an hour, still thinking of this guy. Something about the way he expressed himself and his sense of humor intrigued me. I sent a message to him saying, “Am I missing a golden opportunity?”. He replied after several minutes went by and proposed that I choose a place to meet for a drink later that afternoon. The rest is history.
I will never forget opening the door of the restaurant and, with great trepidation, taking that first step into the establishment. I looked around and saw no one who resembled the picture I had seen on-line. I walked all the way through to the back of the building looking….did HE get cold feet?
Turning around and heading back toward the door I heard a man say “Melissa?”. I turned in the direction of the voice and there stood a man, so handsome, waiting there by the table he had chosen. It seemed natural that when he held his arms out to me I found myself in a warm hug. It felt like we had known each other forever. He told me later that a light shone on me out of nowhere. It was gray and cloudy outside but I glowed as I turned to walk toward him.
We spent two hours together that afternoon talking about our lives, our losses, family, children, favorite things. There was never a lag in the conversation. I realized this was what I had been missing. We agreed we needed to plan another date and I left, driving home slowly, replaying the whole thing in my mind.
He texted me several times that evening telling me how much he enjoyed meeting me. He was the perfect gentleman. We both had second thoughts and fears over the next few days. Were we ready for a relationship? It all came so naturally when we were together. We were comfortable with each other and had so much to give to the right person.
As we began to spend more time together the feelings we had for each other began to deepen. We would talk for hours, sharing so much in common. I found him to be a man of faith and compassion. I felt myself coming alive again and it felt wonderful. I have always been one to put others first but this time I decided I was going into this relationship for myself. I didn’t care what everyone had to say and believe me, there was plenty.
I realized how much I missed having a man, a true gentleman, really love and care for me. And I loved giving to him. He fell in love with my cooking, my lifestyle, my friends and family. We talked long into the night about six weeks after we met. He said he knew I was who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, that he had no doubt God brought us together. I had to agree. At our stage in life we also realized that there was no way to know how much time we might have left to be together. Losing a spouse makes one so aware of this.
He asked my Mom if she would approve of him asking me to marry him and she said “Absolutely”. Later she told me if I didn’t marry him I was crazy. He offered everything I had on my list. Every time I looked into his amazing blue eyes I felt like I would melt. I truly did not believe this could happen to me again….but it did. Partly because we both wanted a good marriage again. Neither of us could imagine NOT being together! We were like teenagers and it felt incredible….one of his favorite words!
On September 1st, we celebrated our first year of marriage. Due to COVID 19 we were not able to visit our favorite restaurant. I prepared a delicious seafood dinner at the home of our friends, the home where we were married. It felt right to share such a special day with them and with Mom.
I read an article written by Anderson Cooper after the death of his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt. In it he wrote about a conversation he had with her, at the age of 95, in which he asked her if the opportunity arose she might marry again. During her lifetime she married several times and professed to love being in love and caring for someone. Her answer to his question was YES! I think she must be a kindred spirit. Her joie de vivre and willingness to open herself up to love inspired me.
I am writing about this because I know there are readers out there who need to know miracles do happen. If you have lost your partner and you miss having someone to share life with don’t be afraid to take that leap of faith and begin to look for love again. I am living proof that it can happen. I have received messages and signs from Mr. T that he approves and is so happy for me. Yes, there have been times when I felt strange going on with life when he lost his, but that is what we are meant to do. We all find our way and do what works for us. In my case, joining my life to this wonderful man’s was the answer. I begin each day saying “THANK YOU”!
5 Responses
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Harold Michael Harvey Says:
Congrats and thanks for sharing this incredible story.
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Becky Lynch Says:
Enjoyed hearing your journey into love, Melissa! Very happy for you! ♥️
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Jean Breed Says:
That was beautiful Melissa. Having met both of your loves I know Mr T would approve. I am so very happy you found love again with a good man! 💗
You deserve it darlin ❤ -
rosemarie Says:
This is such a beautiful LOVE story. Love definitely happened again for you. Mr T was so right in wanting you to live and love again. May you have many warm and loving years together.
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